Hopelessly Psychotic

Willpower

2007-09-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

Willpower, according to Wikipedia, is defined as the ability of a person to exert their will over the inhibitions of their body or self.
Everyone says that I need to quit smoking. Okay so maybe I do. Most people don’t realize how hard that is for me. I lack the “willpower”, self control, self discipline, or what ever else you want to call it.
I started taking medication to help with the “cravings”. But what about the security of having something to hold on to. I am down to 4 cigarettes a day but I can’t seem to let go of the last few. Willpower. I have none when it comes to this.
Today I finally decided to just let them go. Maybe this is going to work. Thanks to all my friends who have been supporting me during this time.

What we see does make a difference!

2007-06-06T14:22:00.000-07:00

I received this as an email. This poem really touched my heart. As a nurse we are often too caught up in doing our "job" to really see the person. I see nurses who refuse to see the person they are taking care of. I hope that I am never like those nurses. I strive to be compassionate and caring to each one of my patients and their families. I hope this touches each one of your hearts as it did mine.

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Tampa, Florida it was believed he had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.

What do you see nurses?.....What do you see?

What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ...not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ......with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ...the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding ..... The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am ........ As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .....as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters ..........who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen .........with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. .........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty .........my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-five, now ......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ..... And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ...... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ........ With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ....have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me........to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ......... Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .......My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me ......... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .....young of their own.
And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass...... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again .......my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys.............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.

I think of the years ...all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .........open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you
might brush aside without looking at the young soul
within.....we will all, one day be there too!

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen
or touched. They must be felt by the heart. God Bless.

GROWING OLD IS NOT FOR SISSIES!

What? I have my own patients!!

2007-05-30T20:42:00.000-07:00

Now that I'm through orientation, I am on my own. My first week with MY patients. Everyone keeps asking 'Are you scared?'. Hell yes I'm scared! I am completely responsible for taking care of so really sick patients. All this what ifs keep popping in my head. It's really good to be scared. Fear has a tendency to put things in prospective. I have had some really great training. I know that if anything comes up that I can't handle there are nurses, with more experience, who would gladly assist me when ever needed. Thank goodness for good friends that are GREAT nurses ( you know who you are). I hope to excel in nursing as they have.

What's with the Llama

2007-04-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

My 15 year old son likes to come up with funny words, sayings, or songs. Some are really funny and/or cute. He really enjoyed it while I was in nursing school. He really got a kick out of some of the medical terms. I guess his favorite is sphincter, don't know don't want to know. Penial dysfunction is also one of his favorites. Well anywaya few months ago he started in about Llamas. Llama this Llama that. He found a website with a song about Llamas.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

Check it out, it is quite funny. It made me laugh. But just be warned it will stick in your head.

How did I get here?

2007-04-14T12:29:00.000-07:00

My life has never been easy or simple. In school I was "one of the bad kids". Although my grades were ok I was a troubled child. My step dad was an alcholic and was very abusive. I believed he loved me but still the pain came. In high school my friends were the ones behind the school smoking and doing drugs, that is when they (we) even went to school. I dropped out of high school when I was 17. I had run away from home for the umpteenth time. I went to Texas for this trip and was gone for a month. I decided I "needed my mommy" when I found a lump in my breast, not cancer thank goodness. After I got that checked out my mom agreed to let me marry the guy I had went to Texas with. Anyway that was husband #1. I have been a drug user, was (still am) an alcholic. All the people I was friends with in high school are now or were at 1 time in jail/prison. And then there is me. I have a wonderful husband, three children, and I have recieved my RN license. My second husband told me when I left him I was a psychotic b***h and never would amount to anything. We are still friends and I always rub it in his face that I may be psychotic but I'm the one he calls whenever he or his children are sick or hurt.

How did I get here? All I can say is that the Lord saw something in me that nobody else did.